Everyone needs a love tap now and then

…and it may just be good for what ails you.

Loving Violence – The Power of Punching

Posted by Týr on August 9, 2009

Seeing the empty schedule board at KinkForAll-NYC2 yesterday morning, I decided that that afternoon would bea good opportunity for me to give a quick presentation on one of my favorite kinks, both as a top and a bottom: punching. So in between keeping the event on schedule and before lunch, I jotted down some quick notes about punching, hoping that I had enough to fill my 20 minute slot. It seems I just barely did, so now I’ll put my notes here (and on the KFA website). I’m also mostly going to speak from the position of a punching top, but I do enjoy both topping and bottoming to punching.

Why do I like punching? Well, to me, there are four things about it: it’s a very direct, intimate, powerful, and passionate. And now let me explain what I mean by these terms:

  • direct: there is nothing between you and your bottom. There’s no toy that separates you from your bottom. You feel the same impact your bottom feels, though obviously in a different way.
  • intimate: punching, to me, is a very primal, violent act. To me, someone letting me punch them is a huge sign of trust. Also, by the very nature of punching, you need to be within arm’s length of your bottom. There’s no way for you to not be in your bottom’s face when you’re punching them, so it adds a certain element of “I can’t escape!” to the scene
  • powerful: since punching is, generally speaking, something that is done only out of great anger, letting someone do this out of love makes this so very intense, at least for me. To allow me to turn this angry act into a loving one means a lot to me, and I very much enjoy showing my bottoms this love. They often don’t know just how much love they’re in for.
  • passionate: you cannot throw a punch and do it half-assed. It’s just not possible. Even if you are just going for a fairly light punch, it is going to be very intense. It is a style of play that makes for passionate play, whether you want it to or not.

Additionally, if you are stronger than your bottom, it is a lot of fun to man-handle your bottom. If you’re punching your bottom’s chest and you decide that you want to move on to their back, just pull them up, flip them around, and shove them back against whatever they were leaning against. There’s quite the power rush that comes with that kind of physical domination.

I got to say, as a top, I really like to bruise. I really enjoy knowing that the next morning, when my bottom wakes up and gets in that early morning stretch, they immediately have to cut it short because of the bruises. So please be aware, your bottom will bruise. I, personally, when I get punched, rarely visibly bruise. But a bottom I play with often bruises quite nicely, and the evil person in me really does enjoy poking at the bruises, quite literally, the next day. Also, the next day bruises are often lovely, or as Maja describes them, “tasty”, reminders of the previous night’s fun. And playing lightly with bruises is really fun, no matter what role you’re playing.

Finally, we get to where to punch. Punching is generally done wherever you do other kinds of impact play: the big meaty areas, like the chest, upper back, thighs, shoulder. Avoid joints, kidneys, like you do with flogging or caning or somesuch. I tend to avoid forearms and calves, but I find them not substantial enough, but I suppose your mileage may vary. As for technique, a great hint that I received was to “aim 3 inches below the surface of the skin.” Let me explain what that means: if you are at arm’s reach, then you end up slowing your punch already by the time you fist is about to impact, because else the rest of your body will follow your fist across the room. Clearly this would not be good. So, if you position yourself so that full extension means you’d end up “3 inches below the surface” your fist will impact while still moving at full speed, leading to a much more satisfying blow. And finally, you want to punch with more than just your arms. If you only use your fists to punch, you only end up with a jab. Now, this can be fun if that’s what  you want. But if you want throw as much power into your fist as possible, then you have to use your whole body. I wish I had a martial arts background to explain this better, but basically your entire body has to be in motion for a punch to be as powerful as possible. Your knees, your legs, your torso, your upper body are all driving your arm forward and your arm itself is doing any of the effort.

So that’s my presentation on Punching in a nutshell. If you were at KFA and saw me present and have any questions or things to add, please comment. I’d be glad to address any questions you may have, possibly at other KFAs. I’m thinking about doing this at KFA-Boston in September, so making this presentation better would be much appreciated. Any and all feedback is welcome.

Posted in emotions, intimacy, kink, pain, punching, sexuality, switching | 6 Comments »

This bicycle is also a detour…

Posted by Týr on May 21, 2009

Two weeks ago I was thoroughly in dom-mode and Maja complimented that very nicely. She was more than happy to be at my beck and call and we had delightfully rough sex every night. Then, over the weekend, I caught a massive cold which knocked me out of commission for last week. Thus, my period of dominance took a break as I got better and ready to take control of Maja once again.

Then, one night, I was woken up shortly after going to sleep by Maja teasing me. “What made you react this way?” I had no idea what she was talking about. After all, I had woken up to someone working very hard (I assume) to get me very worked up. Still, I was dropping like a brick, and all I wanted was for her to continue. “How long should we keep this going, huh? How long do you want to go without orgasm?” I wasn’t nearly awake enough to appreciate or fully enjoy the predicament I suddenly found myself in. I hadn’t even properly understood the first question yet. Still, I mumbled something along the lines of “However long you want. I don’t want to know.” I know, all fairly standard T&D male lines – nothing special here.

The thing is, she decided to start this T&D time just before the week when I decided I would be biking to (and from) work everyday. Now, Manhattan is mostly fairly flat terrain, so most biking not very grueling. However, we live in the (relatively) higher elevations of Manhattan, so that means that between me and home is a very big and steep hill. Getting up this hill and back home is totally doable, but here’s the thing: after conquering this hill I feel like I just want to throw Maja down on our bed and have my way with her. I want to say that I’ve mentioned this to her in the past, when we were living further uptown and there was an even bigger hill in the way of home, but for whatever reason we never actually acted on this. Perhaps this is because shortly thereafter I would say “wow, I’m hungry. and in desperate need of a shower!”

But now, I get home and I am just full of adrenaline from biking up that hill and then having to weave through NYC traffic for about half a mile and I must somehow transform this initial desire to dominate (or at least very much top)  Maja into something that is much more submissive. And somehow I’ve managed to do it, for the most part, but I don’t know how, exactly. A few days ago Maja came home shortly after I finished my post-ride shower and I was still so pumped up that she didn’t know what to do with me.

I wish I could more easily exchange this dominant streak for something that is more useful to the dynamic we have right now. The only thing I can think of is to have more practice with this. Eventually I’ll stumble onto it. Or at least that’s what I’m hoping for.

Posted in emotions, kink, orgasm control, orientation, relationships, sexuality, switching | 3 Comments »

A glimpse into the future, hopefully

Posted by Týr on April 28, 2009

I get all warm and fuzzy inside every time I take my bike down the Greenway, right by the benches on the Hudson River in Riverside Park. Each time I go past them I am reminded of this one time a year or two ago when I saw a couple, both of them silver/white-haired, taking up a bench. The man was lying down with his head in her lap, and they both seemed just completely at ease taking up a bench like that. As if I just missed a few tender caresses, some loving laughter, and they stayed until just before I headed back up north hours later.

And even though I caught only a fleeting glimpse of them as I was flying by, the image is indelible in my head: I want that when I grow up!

When my hair is grey, I still want to do that. To just lie down, put my head in Maja’s lap, and just forget my troubles.

(Now, who knows what their relationship actually was? They might now be each other’s 4th spouse. Of course, that thought didn’t cross my mind until I was writing this post, and even now I want to push the thought out of my head because I don’t want this image destroyed by cynicism. And it probably has taken on an even more romantic tone as it has replayed itself in my mind. Then again, he might’ve been having back pain…)

So that’s what I want when I go gray. Whether I do that here in NYC, or on some farm, or on the moon, whether current goals, such as having children, are met or not, whether kink is still part of my life, I want to be part of the couple I saw that day. So if you’re looking for me on a superb Saturday afternoon in 2040, try a bench. You’ll find me in Maja’s lap.

Posted in emotions, intimacy, relationships | 6 Comments »

High-Rise Cul-de-Sac

Posted by Týr on February 4, 2009

A few weeks ago Maja and I spent a good chunk of an afternoon on Roosevelt Island, just walking around. I’ve always wanted to go, ever since I realized that the Renwick Ruin was actually part of the same island. I mean, who wouldn’t want to walk around a ruin in NYC?? So we took the subway there, got out of the station into a completely overcast day. As we started on our way south to the Ruin, I noticed that the Queensboro Bridge didn’t look as hideous as it usually does. If the sky is a lovely, clear blue, the bridge is anything but. Its hideous brown-and-yellow paint job just reminds you of your  less appealing bodily functions. If the bridge’s backdrop is grey, however, it does look quite nice.

Our destiation out of the subway was the Renwick Ruin. It does look quite cool. Too bad it was fenced off, so I couldn’t get up close and do some UrbEx, but then again, that thing looks like the next stiff breeze could knock it down. Still, I may want to hop the fence in the future, but only with my running shoes. The fence gets in the way of most good shots.

After that, we started wandering north on the island. And really, there’s nothing there. Absolutely nothing. It always looks like an appealing place to live when you’re on the FDR Drive and all you see is that small island, filled with modern high-rises. But the island is annoying to get to at best: either you take the one subway line that goes there, or the Tram (which is totally inconvenient on the Manhattan side), or the Roosevelt Island Bridge and then go through god-only-knows where in Queens. While walking down the one street on the island I got the feeling of the space being designed to feel like a small-town Main St, but trying to accomplish that goal using the tools of Midtown Manhattan: high-rises. As you might imagine, it fails utterly. It does succeed in feeling like a dead-end, albeit a cul-de-sac with fine housing.

A few hours spent on the island was more than enough for me. Still, I think I’ll head back there sometime when the weather is nicer to take a closer look at the Ruin. That thing is quite awesome, and I want to get up close and personal with it.

Posted in architecture, Uncategorized, urban design, urbex | 1 Comment »

Hello Fleshbot people!

Posted by Týr on January 19, 2009

It seems that Fleshbot took a liking to my recent post about being punched and crying as a result. Thanks Fleshbot! I’m quite surprised that I got picked. Also somewhat confused that I didn’t get a pingback about it, but that doesn’t matter. I only noticed because I had a sudden spike in visits to my website over the weekend, which surprised me. I hadn’t posted since the 9th. But I’m honored, and flattered.

I shall soon write about a similar scene that we did just last night. Similar, but totally different. And I haven’t quite wrapped my head around what happened.

And as for all my newest visitors, hello. Welcome. If you want, let me know who you are and what you have to say. I’m sure it’s worth reading.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

tears of joy?

Posted by Týr on January 9, 2009

Shortly after waking up a few days ago, I asked Maja to hurt me. I don’t know why, but I had been craving to be punched for a few days. Luckily, she decided to punch me. I don’t really know how I went from enjoying punching to enjoying being punched, but I have taken quite the liking to the occasional beat-down. I suppose I could explore this, but not now.

I don’t quite remember what inspired both of us to play heavier than we usually do, but we did. Maja pushed my limits, and I responded by asking for more. When she hit me even harder, I asked for more still. Blow after blow landed, always on flesh that was already bruised. At times I moved my hands over chest to give myself a small reprieve. “Move those hands out of my way!” And each time I’d move my hands and grab a hold of our headboard so I could last a few more blows before I gave myself refuge again. And each time I looked forward to more beating. And each time I was dreading the pain. This is how it continued for some time: blow by blow, more and more pain, me covering myself, her ordering my hands away, me gladly, reluctantly, gladly complying, impact upon impact, until finally I said “yellow*.”

Maja gently tumbled next to me onto the bed and gathered me into her arms, while I gathered myself a tiny bit, getting my breathing a bit regular again, enjoying the dull ache on its own, without any other impacts, feeling my chest be sore when I inhaled, letting that feeling become a more regular, noticed feature of living. After about a minute, Maja looked up at me and asked me if I could go on. I nodded as eagerly as someone so conflicted only can. As she climbed back up, straddling me, I looked up at her and asked her to make me cry. A wicked gleam shot through her eye. She asked me “Are you sure you want this? Because I won’t let up until you safeword or you’re crying. No backing out.” Realizing that she was serious, I gulped and smiled. “Yes, I’m sure.” I wanted her to have my tears, which she’s wanted from me for so long.

So I moved my hands back to headboard, grabbing hold so I could once again put off protecting myself. She began by punching my chest again. This really hurt, and while I cringed and winced like never before, I wasn’t getting close to tears. Maja noticed this, and decide to switch tactics. The sides of my rib cages exploded in pain as her hands came down hard and fast, slapping my sides again and again. My tears were almost there, but that alone couldn’t quite get them out, no matter how hard she slapped them, no matter how often she slapped me again and again. Finally, she decides that she is going to dig her fingers into my newly tenderized sides. Each finger, distinctly, yet in one giant clump, try to burrow through my ribs, nail-first. This is too much, and I start bawling. Having gotten what she wants, Maja redoubles her efforts, trying new spots to dig in, pressing harder. I sob, having trouble getting myself together enough to say “red**”, my senses informing me only of the attack on my rib cage and, like some forgotten attention-hungry kid, the recent pummelling of my chest. Finally, I gather my wits enough to blurt out “red” before rolling over into the fetal position, big huge sobs erupting between my tears.

My first instinct is to curl up in a ball, inside myself, try to get distance, find a safe place. But I realize that I had asked her for this. From her. If I hadn’t mentioned it, the thought of making me cry would never have crossed her mind (well, at least at the time). So I realize that I have to give myself to her so that I can be put back together. After 20 seconds of sobbing I force myself to turn around again and find the nearest crook of Maja’s neck to just live there, in her arms for a bit. The arms that love me. The arms that beat me. Because they love me. But fuck, they made me cry!

My breathing calms down as Maja comforts me in words that register as speaking, but they have no meaning. The words wash over me, but I only register the soft, affectionate tones of voice. She takes her hand, gently lifts up on my chin, and kisses me. I feel like I threw my arms around her right then, because that seems like the kind of thing I’d do, but I honestly have no idea.

 The morning didn’t end there, though the inflicting of pain did. Throughout the rest of the day, and every now and then for the past few days, I’ve been conflicted about that scene. Actually, about the crying part only. The rest of it was really hot. The punching, the stern tone when I’d cover myself, forcing my arms to stay out, making me vulnerable, all that I’d want to do right now if I could. But something about the crying bothers me. I am normally fairly controlled in my emotions, and I suppose that letting myself be forced to cry (which is really what that was) just isn’t my thing. I don’t know why this is, really; I just like keeping my composure. Sobbing, to me, is most definitely not that. But I’ll gladly take everything else, before and after the crying.

And because Maja is the one who made me cry, I’ve been resenting her a tiny bit, even though that is retarded. I mean I did ask for it. I knew it would make her happy, because omg has she talked about wanting me to cry. Still, if I could have the rest of that scene but not the tears, I would be much happier. See, looking back on this scene I quite enjoyed it, even the crying. However, the crying bothered me, both then and now. Do I want to try it out again? Be made to bawl again? Maybe. I’m not averse to it, even though I really didn’t like it. I know that Maja did though.

But is that enough to make up for it? How much should I be willing to do something I don’t enjoy for her sake? And I don’t mean “not enjoy” the way some enjoy being single-tailed. I mean legitimately not enjoy. Didn’t like it. Yet I’d do it again.

Why is that? Am I looking to make Maja happy? Am I looking to lose that control in a controlled environment? Is this my body’s way of telling me I have too much sodium in my diet? That’s really the part that’s confusing me right now: why do I want to do this again when every part of me is telling me to recoil and run away. Do I want to do this again? I feel like each half of my mind is controlled by opposing forces. I’ll probably go down this path one more time, slipping and sliding on my tears as I go.

So go ahead, make me cry, but don’t you dare touch me.


* “yellow” = don’t end the scene entirely, but stop hitting me for now

** “red” = the scene is entirely done. no more.

Posted in crying, emotions, fear, intimacy, kink, pain, punching, relationships, sexuality | 6 Comments »


Posted by Týr on January 3, 2009

My lovely friends Maymay and Eileen recently had a brilliant idea, which they are turning into reality from 10000 miles away: KinkForAll. If you have already heard about KinkForAll through the grapevine, then consider this post a reminder. If you haven’t, then I hope you read, think, and ideally, join.

Also, I am strongly considering presenting at this event. Who knows?


Kink For All: the Vitals
What: A no-limits sex-positive gender and sexuality unconference.

Why: To inspire a creative, interactive and open environment where everyone feels comfortable talking, learning, and being inspired by all kinds of sexuality.

When: March, 2009 (exact date yet to be determined)

Where: NYC (We’re still looking for a venue! Could you help us out with that? See ‘Get Involved,’ below!)

Who: Everyone

How much: Free (as in beer as well as freedom)

KinkForAll is an ad-hoc gathering born from the desire for people of the kink, queer, sex-positive and related communities to share and learn in an open environment. It is an intense event with discussions, presentations, and interaction from all participants.  (It is inspired by the BarCamp community.)

Anyone with something to contribute or with the desire to learn is welcome and invited to join. When you attend, be prepared to share with others. When you leave, be prepared to share it with the world.

A KinkForAll is a special kind of gathering because there are no spectators, only participants. Attendees must give a talk or a presentation, help with one, or otherwise volunteer/contribute in some way to support the event. This is called sharing and we like it. All presentations are scheduled the day they happen—there are no pre-scheduled presentations or keynote addresses. The people present at the event will select the presentations they want to see.

Anyone can present, on any topic related to sexuality. You do not necessarily have to teach a new skill or idea. You might share an experience, review a product, or read a poem. The goal is to start a discussion, make connections, and exchange knowledge. Presentations promoting specific commercial products or companies are discouraged.

Learn more about what to expect at http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/WhatToExpect

Learn more about the event guidelines at http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/TheRulesOfKinkForAll

Get Involved
We need your help in spreading the word. Please help by participating.  

Here’s how:

1. Get excited by reading the ideas on http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/KinkForAllNewYorkCity

2. Add your name or handle to the list of participants

3. Join the mailing list and introduce yourself by emailing kinkforall@googlegroups.com

If you have access to a venue, or know someone who has access to a venue, please email the kinkforall@googlegroups.com mailing list with that information.

Still have questions? Read the Frequently Asked Questions at http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/FrequentlyAskedQuestions or email kinkforall@googlegroups.com for more details.

KinkForAll Online
Participate online before the event at your favorite social networking web site.

Homepage: http://KinkForAll.org

Google: http://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall

Twitter: http://twitter.com/KinkForAll

Identica: http://identi.ca/kinkforall

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/KinkForAll/40066342762

All primary organizational efforts are being coordinated via the mailing list. Join for free and help turn ideas into realities!


Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

The internet is dead – long live the internet!

Posted by Týr on January 2, 2009

Why have I neglected this blog for so long? How did I let it go unchanged in the past 3 months? Do I really have nothing to say? That can’t be it. I think I’ve found the cause though. 

Typically, whenever not at work, I go through my Google Reader somewhat pathologically. It honestly stresses me out if I don’t get to go through at least a large portion of my Google Reader stack each day. And why? What’s the point? Most of the posts are headlines that I just skip past anyway. Like my Treehugger feed, something like 300 posts a week, and maybe 3 of them will interest me. But if I don’t find the 10 minutes to clicked through the feed and see which articles I actually want to read, it actually bothers me. And that’s just the Treehugger feed. So that’s one feed that’s gone.

I resolve to cull my Google Reader feeds. Because really, does anyone need to have 300 posts a day, only to skip 240 of them? Hell, some blogs I have feeds for I don’t think I’ve ever read a full post of. So away you go. And from now on, I really hope I find it within me to decide that I don’t NEED to have my Reader queue be at zero. There’s no reason for that, and it actually keeps me from doing something with my day. That’s right, I’ll actually spend the daylight hours online instead of going out into the sunlight. And that depresses me.

So I resolve to put the outdoors (whatever that means in NYC) ahead of the internet. Because while the internet can be interesting, and it certainly is, wildly consuming media left and right is not the way it should be used. It just leaves you feeling empty inside. You don’t have any time to write whatever you want to say, because all your time is spent consuming. There’s no introspection, and so this space remains empty. Witness that the last post is from September 30. And I do have something to say. It might quite possibly be a bit of a ramble, it might be a bit of a stream of consciousness thing, like this post is, it might not be as well written as some on my blogroll, but that doesn’t matter to me.

So I resolve not to let this blog fall by the wayside again. I won’t do something like Eileen has done before and is doing again. Writing 200 words every day just isn’t my thing. But something more than a quarterly update should be doable.

I’m also thinking I’ll expand this blog to just put whatever I want on here. I won’t limit it to just about sex, because as those who know me can attest, there’s a whole lot more to me than that, and I don’t want to have to wonder whether putting something here is appropriate. Lots of blogs I read do that. Kaya doesn’t write only about her sex life. Maymay is showing many more tech posts. Tom Allen for a while seemed to turn into a fitness blog. So that means you’ll probably a number of posts on architecture and photography here. I’d say those are my main interests. And of course random stuff I find online.

But there will still be sex. Since that too is still a part of my life. It’ll be up here more often, but so will other parts of my life.

Posted in hello world, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

…just pull the string…

Posted by Týr on September 30, 2008

Among the many blogs I follow is ModFetish, which for the most part has artsy shots of naked women that don’t do anything for me (don’t even ask me about the pics with octopodes – Chthulhu does nothing for me). But occasionally they will show something that is just fantastic, like the most hardcore harp I’ve ever seen. 

Way more hardcore than Harptallica.

The backdrop is perhaps a bit dull, but it’s still so beautiful I had to share it with you.

Those of you easily squicked by many temporary piercings shouldn’t click on the link. Many of you are also now wishing I had put this disclaimer before the link.

The best part of the picture is that if you look closely, you see that she is looking into his eyes, and you can tell by that soft, gentle features around her eyes that she is smiling at him. While tied to the harp frame, and being plucked, she still smiles at him. Beautiful.

Posted in emotions, kink, linkage, objectification, sexuality | 1 Comment »

A few funny things around the internet…

Posted by Týr on August 10, 2008

One guy gets laughed at every time he fucks his geeky girlfriend from behind. See why.

Oh come on, Dubya, she was asking for it. Indulge a little.

This is why we should all be afraid of clowns. And yet turned on by them. But mostly afraid of them.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »