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Archive for the ‘sexuality’ Category

Loving Violence – The Power of Punching

Posted by Týr on August 9, 2009

Seeing the empty schedule board at KinkForAll-NYC2 yesterday morning, I decided that that afternoon would bea good opportunity for me to give a quick presentation on one of my favorite kinks, both as a top and a bottom: punching. So in between keeping the event on schedule and before lunch, I jotted down some quick notes about punching, hoping that I had enough to fill my 20 minute slot. It seems I just barely did, so now I’ll put my notes here (and on the KFA website). I’m also mostly going to speak from the position of a punching top, but I do enjoy both topping and bottoming to punching.

Why do I like punching? Well, to me, there are four things about it: it’s a very direct, intimate, powerful, and passionate. And now let me explain what I mean by these terms:

  • direct: there is nothing between you and your bottom. There’s no toy that separates you from your bottom. You feel the same impact your bottom feels, though obviously in a different way.
  • intimate: punching, to me, is a very primal, violent act. To me, someone letting me punch them is a huge sign of trust. Also, by the very nature of punching, you need to be within arm’s length of your bottom. There’s no way for you to not be in your bottom’s face when you’re punching them, so it adds a certain element of “I can’t escape!” to the scene
  • powerful: since punching is, generally speaking, something that is done only out of great anger, letting someone do this out of love makes this so very intense, at least for me. To allow me to turn this angry act into a loving one means a lot to me, and I very much enjoy showing my bottoms this love. They often don’t know just how much love they’re in for.
  • passionate: you cannot throw a punch and do it half-assed. It’s just not possible. Even if you are just going for a fairly light punch, it is going to be very intense. It is a style of play that makes for passionate play, whether you want it to or not.

Additionally, if you are stronger than your bottom, it is a lot of fun to man-handle your bottom. If you’re punching your bottom’s chest and you decide that you want to move on to their back, just pull them up, flip them around, and shove them back against whatever they were leaning against. There’s quite the power rush that comes with that kind of physical domination.

I got to say, as a top, I really like to bruise. I really enjoy knowing that the next morning, when my bottom wakes up and gets in that early morning stretch, they immediately have to cut it short because of the bruises. So please be aware, your bottom will bruise. I, personally, when I get punched, rarely visibly bruise. But a bottom I play with often bruises quite nicely, and the evil person in me really does enjoy poking at the bruises, quite literally, the next day. Also, the next day bruises are often lovely, or as Maja describes them, “tasty”, reminders of the previous night’s fun. And playing lightly with bruises is really fun, no matter what role you’re playing.

Finally, we get to where to punch. Punching is generally done wherever you do other kinds of impact play: the big meaty areas, like the chest, upper back, thighs, shoulder. Avoid joints, kidneys, like you do with flogging or caning or somesuch. I tend to avoid forearms and calves, but I find them not substantial enough, but I suppose your mileage may vary. As for technique, a great hint that I received was to “aim 3 inches below the surface of the skin.” Let me explain what that means: if you are at arm’s reach, then you end up slowing your punch already by the time you fist is about to impact, because else the rest of your body will follow your fist across the room. Clearly this would not be good. So, if you position yourself so that full extension means you’d end up “3 inches below the surface” your fist will impact while still moving at full speed, leading to a much more satisfying blow. And finally, you want to punch with more than just your arms. If you only use your fists to punch, you only end up with a jab. Now, this can be fun if that’s what  you want. But if you want throw as much power into your fist as possible, then you have to use your whole body. I wish I had a martial arts background to explain this better, but basically your entire body has to be in motion for a punch to be as powerful as possible. Your knees, your legs, your torso, your upper body are all driving your arm forward and your arm itself is doing any of the effort.

So that’s my presentation on Punching in a nutshell. If you were at KFA and saw me present and have any questions or things to add, please comment. I’d be glad to address any questions you may have, possibly at other KFAs. I’m thinking about doing this at KFA-Boston in September, so making this presentation better would be much appreciated. Any and all feedback is welcome.

Posted in emotions, intimacy, kink, pain, punching, sexuality, switching | 6 Comments »

This bicycle is also a detour…

Posted by Týr on May 21, 2009

Two weeks ago I was thoroughly in dom-mode and Maja complimented that very nicely. She was more than happy to be at my beck and call and we had delightfully rough sex every night. Then, over the weekend, I caught a massive cold which knocked me out of commission for last week. Thus, my period of dominance took a break as I got better and ready to take control of Maja once again.

Then, one night, I was woken up shortly after going to sleep by Maja teasing me. “What made you react this way?” I had no idea what she was talking about. After all, I had woken up to someone working very hard (I assume) to get me very worked up. Still, I was dropping like a brick, and all I wanted was for her to continue. “How long should we keep this going, huh? How long do you want to go without orgasm?” I wasn’t nearly awake enough to appreciate or fully enjoy the predicament I suddenly found myself in. I hadn’t even properly understood the first question yet. Still, I mumbled something along the lines of “However long you want. I don’t want to know.” I know, all fairly standard T&D male lines – nothing special here.

The thing is, she decided to start this T&D time just before the week when I decided I would be biking to (and from) work everyday. Now, Manhattan is mostly fairly flat terrain, so most biking not very grueling. However, we live in the (relatively) higher elevations of Manhattan, so that means that between me and home is a very big and steep hill. Getting up this hill and back home is totally doable, but here’s the thing: after conquering this hill I feel like I just want to throw Maja down on our bed and have my way with her. I want to say that I’ve mentioned this to her in the past, when we were living further uptown and there was an even bigger hill in the way of home, but for whatever reason we never actually acted on this. Perhaps this is because shortly thereafter I would say “wow, I’m hungry. and in desperate need of a shower!”

But now, I get home and I am just full of adrenaline from biking up that hill and then having to weave through NYC traffic for about half a mile and I must somehow transform this initial desire to dominate (or at least very much top)  Maja into something that is much more submissive. And somehow I’ve managed to do it, for the most part, but I don’t know how, exactly. A few days ago Maja came home shortly after I finished my post-ride shower and I was still so pumped up that she didn’t know what to do with me.

I wish I could more easily exchange this dominant streak for something that is more useful to the dynamic we have right now. The only thing I can think of is to have more practice with this. Eventually I’ll stumble onto it. Or at least that’s what I’m hoping for.

Posted in emotions, kink, orgasm control, orientation, relationships, sexuality, switching | 3 Comments »

tears of joy?

Posted by Týr on January 9, 2009

Shortly after waking up a few days ago, I asked Maja to hurt me. I don’t know why, but I had been craving to be punched for a few days. Luckily, she decided to punch me. I don’t really know how I went from enjoying punching to enjoying being punched, but I have taken quite the liking to the occasional beat-down. I suppose I could explore this, but not now.

I don’t quite remember what inspired both of us to play heavier than we usually do, but we did. Maja pushed my limits, and I responded by asking for more. When she hit me even harder, I asked for more still. Blow after blow landed, always on flesh that was already bruised. At times I moved my hands over chest to give myself a small reprieve. “Move those hands out of my way!” And each time I’d move my hands and grab a hold of our headboard so I could last a few more blows before I gave myself refuge again. And each time I looked forward to more beating. And each time I was dreading the pain. This is how it continued for some time: blow by blow, more and more pain, me covering myself, her ordering my hands away, me gladly, reluctantly, gladly complying, impact upon impact, until finally I said “yellow*.”

Maja gently tumbled next to me onto the bed and gathered me into her arms, while I gathered myself a tiny bit, getting my breathing a bit regular again, enjoying the dull ache on its own, without any other impacts, feeling my chest be sore when I inhaled, letting that feeling become a more regular, noticed feature of living. After about a minute, Maja looked up at me and asked me if I could go on. I nodded as eagerly as someone so conflicted only can. As she climbed back up, straddling me, I looked up at her and asked her to make me cry. A wicked gleam shot through her eye. She asked me “Are you sure you want this? Because I won’t let up until you safeword or you’re crying. No backing out.” Realizing that she was serious, I gulped and smiled. “Yes, I’m sure.” I wanted her to have my tears, which she’s wanted from me for so long.

So I moved my hands back to headboard, grabbing hold so I could once again put off protecting myself. She began by punching my chest again. This really hurt, and while I cringed and winced like never before, I wasn’t getting close to tears. Maja noticed this, and decide to switch tactics. The sides of my rib cages exploded in pain as her hands came down hard and fast, slapping my sides again and again. My tears were almost there, but that alone couldn’t quite get them out, no matter how hard she slapped them, no matter how often she slapped me again and again. Finally, she decides that she is going to dig her fingers into my newly tenderized sides. Each finger, distinctly, yet in one giant clump, try to burrow through my ribs, nail-first. This is too much, and I start bawling. Having gotten what she wants, Maja redoubles her efforts, trying new spots to dig in, pressing harder. I sob, having trouble getting myself together enough to say “red**”, my senses informing me only of the attack on my rib cage and, like some forgotten attention-hungry kid, the recent pummelling of my chest. Finally, I gather my wits enough to blurt out “red” before rolling over into the fetal position, big huge sobs erupting between my tears.

My first instinct is to curl up in a ball, inside myself, try to get distance, find a safe place. But I realize that I had asked her for this. From her. If I hadn’t mentioned it, the thought of making me cry would never have crossed her mind (well, at least at the time). So I realize that I have to give myself to her so that I can be put back together. After 20 seconds of sobbing I force myself to turn around again and find the nearest crook of Maja’s neck to just live there, in her arms for a bit. The arms that love me. The arms that beat me. Because they love me. But fuck, they made me cry!

My breathing calms down as Maja comforts me in words that register as speaking, but they have no meaning. The words wash over me, but I only register the soft, affectionate tones of voice. She takes her hand, gently lifts up on my chin, and kisses me. I feel like I threw my arms around her right then, because that seems like the kind of thing I’d do, but I honestly have no idea.

 The morning didn’t end there, though the inflicting of pain did. Throughout the rest of the day, and every now and then for the past few days, I’ve been conflicted about that scene. Actually, about the crying part only. The rest of it was really hot. The punching, the stern tone when I’d cover myself, forcing my arms to stay out, making me vulnerable, all that I’d want to do right now if I could. But something about the crying bothers me. I am normally fairly controlled in my emotions, and I suppose that letting myself be forced to cry (which is really what that was) just isn’t my thing. I don’t know why this is, really; I just like keeping my composure. Sobbing, to me, is most definitely not that. But I’ll gladly take everything else, before and after the crying.

And because Maja is the one who made me cry, I’ve been resenting her a tiny bit, even though that is retarded. I mean I did ask for it. I knew it would make her happy, because omg has she talked about wanting me to cry. Still, if I could have the rest of that scene but not the tears, I would be much happier. See, looking back on this scene I quite enjoyed it, even the crying. However, the crying bothered me, both then and now. Do I want to try it out again? Be made to bawl again? Maybe. I’m not averse to it, even though I really didn’t like it. I know that Maja did though.

But is that enough to make up for it? How much should I be willing to do something I don’t enjoy for her sake? And I don’t mean “not enjoy” the way some enjoy being single-tailed. I mean legitimately not enjoy. Didn’t like it. Yet I’d do it again.

Why is that? Am I looking to make Maja happy? Am I looking to lose that control in a controlled environment? Is this my body’s way of telling me I have too much sodium in my diet? That’s really the part that’s confusing me right now: why do I want to do this again when every part of me is telling me to recoil and run away. Do I want to do this again? I feel like each half of my mind is controlled by opposing forces. I’ll probably go down this path one more time, slipping and sliding on my tears as I go.

So go ahead, make me cry, but don’t you dare touch me.

 

* “yellow” = don’t end the scene entirely, but stop hitting me for now

** “red” = the scene is entirely done. no more.

Posted in crying, emotions, fear, intimacy, kink, pain, punching, relationships, sexuality | 6 Comments »

…just pull the string…

Posted by Týr on September 30, 2008

Among the many blogs I follow is ModFetish, which for the most part has artsy shots of naked women that don’t do anything for me (don’t even ask me about the pics with octopodes – Chthulhu does nothing for me). But occasionally they will show something that is just fantastic, like the most hardcore harp I’ve ever seen. 

Way more hardcore than Harptallica.

The backdrop is perhaps a bit dull, but it’s still so beautiful I had to share it with you.

Those of you easily squicked by many temporary piercings shouldn’t click on the link. Many of you are also now wishing I had put this disclaimer before the link.

The best part of the picture is that if you look closely, you see that she is looking into his eyes, and you can tell by that soft, gentle features around her eyes that she is smiling at him. While tied to the harp frame, and being plucked, she still smiles at him. Beautiful.

Posted in emotions, kink, linkage, objectification, sexuality | 1 Comment »

All I can do is press and turn and you spread your legs in the screen

Posted by Týr on April 10, 2008

So I just found something that made me very confused. Mostly though, this made me wonder how much time would pass before Maymay procures one of these. Someone came up with a USB adapter for a Fleshlight, so you can actually use the Fleshlight as a mouse. Ah, the ingenuity of geeks.

Is it just me or does this strike you as a reverse-pervertable of sorts?

from Slashdong (via io9)

Posted in funny, kink, linkage, sexuality, technology | 1 Comment »

Radiance blinding as it gives and now takes

Posted by Týr on March 19, 2008

(continued from previous post)

What was missing was really simply an intensity, a deeper intent in the scenes than simply haivng fingertips digging into your back. It was nice to feel vulnerable for a change, but that wasn’t enough for me. I re-discovered something that made me figure out what could provide that which I was missing.

While going through my computer, I discovered that I had downloaded but not yet listened to editions 6 & 7 of Kink On Tap. I decided that that had to be rectified, and so the next time I had 2 hours to spare, I listened to both of them, back to back. And somehow, that struct a chord. Both of the podcasts are about T&D, which I would describe as my core kink when I bottom, but had somehow fallen out of my favor for some reason. For whatever reason listening to the two podcasts rekindled my interest in T&D, so I soon asked Maja not to let me orgasm for a while, but if she really wanted to, then I would have no objections to this.

And, holy crap, I took to that like a fish to water.  As did Maja. She was definitely enjoying teasing me, having me wrapped around her finger like that. There was one point, after a week of being denied (my longest stretch up to then – I know, some claim that’s nothing) where I was lying down with my head in her lap, talking to her as she lightly teased me, and I said to her “I kind of want you to not let me come this week. – But I also want you to ignore everything I say and let me have an orgasm real soon.” I somehow also managed to actually enjoy the pain of blue balls, which surprised me.

Still, luckily/sadly that bit of denial came to a mind-shattering end after two weeks, and as happens to many people, I somehow didn’t quite want to start right up again with the a full-blown scene. And then, a few days later, just when I was ready to let Maja decide again whether I get to enjoy an orgasm or not, life sadly intervened and Maja was taken out of commission when it comes to kink for two weeks.

Posted in chastity, emotions, humiliation, kink, language, orgasm control, orientation, sexuality, switching, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

If one cut the source of the flow and everything would change

Posted by Týr on March 11, 2008

For about 18-24 months of our relationship, I was topping Maja, without too much switching during this time. There were a number of reasons this was happening, some I might be able to list, none of which are important to this entry. Still, both of us identified as switches, even though she hadn’t topped me in at least a year and a half.

I had spent such a long time only topping that I started to wonder whether the term ‘switch’ still applied to me. After all, I didn’t really long for bottoming. I spent a good deal of time on an internal debate saying “Are you a top or a switch? Because switches will, at times, you know, switch. You don’t really want to do that, do you? Just admit it, you’re a top, not a switch!” to myself, to which the common reply was “But I do want to bottom again eventually, just not now. Or in the near future. Give it some time. I’m not a top. (yet?)” So this was my internal non-schizoid dialogue for a number of weeks.

This discussion was put on hold when I went to Tanzania in late November. After all, I had no need for such thoughts when HOLY CRAP A LION! However, at the end of my 2.5 week trip, when I had a hotel room to myself for a day, my thoughts did return to Maja. Specifically, I was discharging a 2 week build-up while imagining various stock fantasies of mine that involved me definitely being the bottom. Not too unusual for me, and these thoughts are probably what kept me from changing my self-identity from “switch” to top”.

When I returned in December, Maja mentioned to me that she had become a little less automatically-bottom-y during the 18 days that I was gone. This wasn’t quite what I was expecting, but I can’t say that I was surprised. She had said something similar when I had gone to Germany for a wedding during the summer. That time, however, we soon slipped back into our old, prior roles since I was only gone for a week. We spent some time in an awkward limbo, with, I realize now, me waiting for us to revert back to the roles of old. This didn’t happen. However, seeing this more confident, take-charge Maja did slowly get me to actually want to bottom, at which point one voice in my head went “HAHA! I WIN!”

Then, in January, at the Rhode Island Fetish Flea, Maja would top me while we were lying in bed just before and after sleep. Nothing too intense, but a nice change that I did enjoy. There were a few snafus though, since, after all, Maja was rusty. I mean, wouldn’t you be after all that time? Still, I enjoyed it a lot, and it led to us to play around with it some more over the next month or so. Mostly she would dig her nails into my back, scratch me a lot, slap me; fairly light stuff.  But somehow something was still missing.

(That is what my next post shall be about.)

Posted in emotions, humiliation, kink, orientation, relationships, sexuality, switching | 1 Comment »

My cock doesn’t talk politics.

Posted by Týr on February 19, 2008

Until now!

I can’t really say that I’m surprised, but an environmentalist blog is not really where I would expect to find any sort of sexual advice. That being said, a link directly on Treehugger‘s homepage is titled How to Green Your Sex Life. Among other things the page itself gives the good advice to avoid any toys that might have phthalates and also suggests “some nice warm loving before bed can get the bedroom toasty, meaning the thermostat can be lower”. That has to be the most awkward and indirect way to initiate sex that I can think of.

From there it’s just a quick few jumps to discover that organic lube exists (Maymay & Eileen, take note – made in Australia) or to read about the joy of bamboo bed sheets, and organic undies. Really I should stop giving you the links myself and let you explore on your own.

I never really thought about it, but it makes complete sense that even sex could and should be greened. All one ever hears in the media (well, mainstream media) is about large-scale projects/ideas/etc, like taking an entire house off the grid. Very rarely, if at all, does one hear of something this low on the energy consumption scale. Then again, the power savings from this website are likely not to drastically lower your electric bill or save the world from global warming. Still, every little bit counts, and who am I to keep you from loving the earth while you love each other. Or yourselves.

Posted in environmentalism, sexuality | 3 Comments »

…and now for something completely different…

Posted by Týr on September 30, 2007

Enough with the entries that consist solely of me linking to something else: In recent weeks I’ve started bottomming to Maja again. I don’t really know when the last time that I bottommed to her previously was, but I would put it in the area of 12 months. It was actually getting to the point where I debated with myself whether I was still a switch. After all, as my relationship with Maja has progressed, I’ve taken a more dominant role in my or her bedroom.

Then, suddenly, a couple weeks ago I noticed I wanted to be hurt. ‘Where did this come from?’ I asked myself. ‘This doesn’t match what you’ve been thinking of yourself as lately.’ But the feeling and desire to be hurt stayed. I’m still not sure where it came from, but I just chalk that one up to the interesting course that life takes in all of us.

And so for the past two or three weekends, Maja has been more than happy to oblige, though at first she was somewhat surprised by witnessing me asking her to hurt me. Hell, I was confused (see above). However, it all made sense after yesterday morning. At some point in time, Maja pulls me over into a lovely hug, at which point I start to come to.

Aside: Why does it take me longer to join the world of the living when I am woken up by a beautiful lady with amorous intentions than any other method. Seriously, doesn’t that seem a little off?

Eventually, after she climbs on top of me, I realize that she is in a state in which I have rarely seen her: In control of the scene. Not acting like she is in control, but actually in the driver’s seat. This morning is hers, and I am (along for) the ride.

Again, I ask her “hurt me”, so she digs her fingers into my rib cage. “Hurt me.” She slaps me in the face. “Hurt me.” She pulls my hair.

What I realized that morning is that when I bottom, I don’t actually drop into sub-space, not even close. When I first realized my like for BDSM, I thought that the masochist in a scene must also by definition be the submissive partner. Clearly this is not the case, but it does explain why Maja’s and mine early scenes with her on top didn’t go the according to plan – I just simply didn’t like giving up control. So that just means that I didn’t. ‘But Týr, didn’t you just say that she was in control just 8 or so lines above?’ Well, yes, but that does not imply that I was accepting a lesser stature in the scene. For example, if I had kept my mouth shut, I probably wouldn’t have been hurt as much. We were still equals, she was simply guiding the course of the scene more than I was.

All I added was “Hurt me.”

Posted in emotions, kink, labels, sexuality | 5 Comments »

Straight as an arrow?

Posted by Týr on September 14, 2007

My friend Topdrop was stuck in a Santa Cruz hospital until yesterday, so I decided to call him yesterday to give him a change from the boredom and ennui that is endemic to hospitals.

After he was telling me that he went to a gay bar and was happy to see “lots of cute guys”, I asked him how things like the gay bar trip and having a (FTM – that’s important too him) boyfriend work with his identifying as straight. The way I understood it, (and Topdrop, please tell me if this interpretation is incorrect) he is only attracted to feminine people, be they male, female, or other, and therefore identifies as straight.

This was a completely new definition of heterosexuality for me. It seems that he, in judging his attraction to other people, completely ignores their own identity and self-image. This definition seems to completely ignore the “hetero” part in heterosexual. Does Topdrop have a different definition of “straight” than everyone else I’ve met? Because that’s what it looks like to me. I also asked him why he doesn’t identify as bisexual or pansexual, since a partner’s actual gender identity does not appear very important to him. His answer was essentially an expansion of his reasoning that he’s straight: he is not attracted to masculine people, even if they’re women.

If you ask me, this meets the (Wikipedia) definition of pansexuality, since he doesn’t seem to care about his partner’s gender. It seems like a completely unique way of defining one’s sexuality. It never dawned on me, and it still doesn’t, to equate heterosexuality with a feminine appearance and nothing else.

Straight, to me, means heterosexual, which means that you’re attracted to the opposite sex essentially exclusively. I myself, am a straight male. I just realized that I feel silly to say “I identify as straight” instead of “I am straight”, since it was never really was a question in my mind. (I feel like I should start using the term cis-male but I’d be using the term ironically.) The only men I can say that I’ve ever been attracted to are Blaise, a transman, and sometimes a friend I shall call Dancer, whose appearance can best be described as ‘pretty boy’. The former is unlikely to ever amount to anything since he is a smoker and I find that abhorrent, the latter is not actual attraction since his girlfriend (who I shall term The Scot) is really the driving force behind this because she wants to see us make out.

Topdrop’s meaning of the word “straight is one I have no come across yet. I don’t mean to impinge upon his identity of himself, but his just seems wrong. It looks like it’s based on a wrong definition of the word “straight”. Does this mean that I could legitimately refer to him as something other than straight when talking to other people, assuming they have the same understanding of “straight”? Do I have to adopt his definition when talking to him? Am I completely off base here?

I must continue discussing this with him, because this type of mindset is just so utterly fascinating and new to me. Truth be told, his is a lovely mind to converse with about most anything. But this specifically, since it’s so very fascinating to me.

More on this after I talk to him again.

Posted in gender, kink, labels, language, sexuality | 4 Comments »