Everyone needs a love tap now and then

…and it may just be good for what ails you.

Archive for the ‘labels’ Category

I summoned a demon and took it to bed

Posted by Týr on October 15, 2007

This past weekend at Topdrop’s play party I ended up beating The Scot nicely. We had agreed two weeks ago that this would happen after getting the ok from our respective significant others (neither couple would come close to describing themselves as polyamourous). Then last week the four of us sat down after the CV meeting and asked what each of us would be comfortable, what parts of her body I should avoid hitting, etc.

When we actually got to starting the scene at the party, I started it off by grabbing her neck and pushing her against the wall, just to get the scene off with a clear “I’m in charge” moment. I was then somewhat confused when she pushed my hand away. So I asked her “Is my hand on your neck not ok? I just realized that we didn’t actually negotiate that.” She assured me that it was ok, that she was simply a bottom that resists and makes my job that much harder and more enjoyable.

But afterwards, like now, I was wondering why I asked about one common potential minefield (face slapping) but left out another (putting my hand on her neck). What is more noteworthy is just how much this has become part of my playing repetoire without me really knowing it. It’s not that I am a big proponent of breath-play. I just really like putting my hand around the bottom’s (most often Maja’s) neck as a sign of dominance & control of the scene.

And by the same thinking, over the past few months, I realize I’ve grown to enjoy playing with fear. Well, not fear, but that look in the bottom’s eyes of “Holy crap, what did I get myself into?!?” is rather priceless, even if the bottom knows (or at least should) that nothing too painful/bad/injurious/etc is going to happen. And I find that a hand on the neck is an excellent way to achieve that. Since, I could, in theory, start choking, start some (surprise) breathplay… I most likely wouldn’t. But I could.

Perhaps fear isn’t the right word. No, it’s definitely not. I can’t think of the word that fits what I’m thinking of. Let’s try this: mix one shot of control, one shot of determination, two shots of general emotional intensity (the non-stomach-lining-hating kink equivalent of MSG), and a splash of fear-inducement, and you kinda have what I’m going for. (Still confused? Ask in a comment)

I don’t actually try to get my bottoms to be afraid of me (although I’m not opposed), I just really like to be the one in control when I’m topping, that emotional intensity. And frankly, what better way to set such a mood for a scene than to push someone up against the wall by their neck?

Hell, it might just take their breath away.

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Posted in emotions, fear, kink, labels, language | 2 Comments »

…and now for something completely different…

Posted by Týr on September 30, 2007

Enough with the entries that consist solely of me linking to something else: In recent weeks I’ve started bottomming to Maja again. I don’t really know when the last time that I bottommed to her previously was, but I would put it in the area of 12 months. It was actually getting to the point where I debated with myself whether I was still a switch. After all, as my relationship with Maja has progressed, I’ve taken a more dominant role in my or her bedroom.

Then, suddenly, a couple weeks ago I noticed I wanted to be hurt. ‘Where did this come from?’ I asked myself. ‘This doesn’t match what you’ve been thinking of yourself as lately.’ But the feeling and desire to be hurt stayed. I’m still not sure where it came from, but I just chalk that one up to the interesting course that life takes in all of us.

And so for the past two or three weekends, Maja has been more than happy to oblige, though at first she was somewhat surprised by witnessing me asking her to hurt me. Hell, I was confused (see above). However, it all made sense after yesterday morning. At some point in time, Maja pulls me over into a lovely hug, at which point I start to come to.

Aside: Why does it take me longer to join the world of the living when I am woken up by a beautiful lady with amorous intentions than any other method. Seriously, doesn’t that seem a little off?

Eventually, after she climbs on top of me, I realize that she is in a state in which I have rarely seen her: In control of the scene. Not acting like she is in control, but actually in the driver’s seat. This morning is hers, and I am (along for) the ride.

Again, I ask her “hurt me”, so she digs her fingers into my rib cage. “Hurt me.” She slaps me in the face. “Hurt me.” She pulls my hair.

What I realized that morning is that when I bottom, I don’t actually drop into sub-space, not even close. When I first realized my like for BDSM, I thought that the masochist in a scene must also by definition be the submissive partner. Clearly this is not the case, but it does explain why Maja’s and mine early scenes with her on top didn’t go the according to plan – I just simply didn’t like giving up control. So that just means that I didn’t. ‘But Týr, didn’t you just say that she was in control just 8 or so lines above?’ Well, yes, but that does not imply that I was accepting a lesser stature in the scene. For example, if I had kept my mouth shut, I probably wouldn’t have been hurt as much. We were still equals, she was simply guiding the course of the scene more than I was.

All I added was “Hurt me.”

Posted in emotions, kink, labels, sexuality | 5 Comments »

Straight as an arrow?

Posted by Týr on September 14, 2007

My friend Topdrop was stuck in a Santa Cruz hospital until yesterday, so I decided to call him yesterday to give him a change from the boredom and ennui that is endemic to hospitals.

After he was telling me that he went to a gay bar and was happy to see “lots of cute guys”, I asked him how things like the gay bar trip and having a (FTM – that’s important too him) boyfriend work with his identifying as straight. The way I understood it, (and Topdrop, please tell me if this interpretation is incorrect) he is only attracted to feminine people, be they male, female, or other, and therefore identifies as straight.

This was a completely new definition of heterosexuality for me. It seems that he, in judging his attraction to other people, completely ignores their own identity and self-image. This definition seems to completely ignore the “hetero” part in heterosexual. Does Topdrop have a different definition of “straight” than everyone else I’ve met? Because that’s what it looks like to me. I also asked him why he doesn’t identify as bisexual or pansexual, since a partner’s actual gender identity does not appear very important to him. His answer was essentially an expansion of his reasoning that he’s straight: he is not attracted to masculine people, even if they’re women.

If you ask me, this meets the (Wikipedia) definition of pansexuality, since he doesn’t seem to care about his partner’s gender. It seems like a completely unique way of defining one’s sexuality. It never dawned on me, and it still doesn’t, to equate heterosexuality with a feminine appearance and nothing else.

Straight, to me, means heterosexual, which means that you’re attracted to the opposite sex essentially exclusively. I myself, am a straight male. I just realized that I feel silly to say “I identify as straight” instead of “I am straight”, since it was never really was a question in my mind. (I feel like I should start using the term cis-male but I’d be using the term ironically.) The only men I can say that I’ve ever been attracted to are Blaise, a transman, and sometimes a friend I shall call Dancer, whose appearance can best be described as ‘pretty boy’. The former is unlikely to ever amount to anything since he is a smoker and I find that abhorrent, the latter is not actual attraction since his girlfriend (who I shall term The Scot) is really the driving force behind this because she wants to see us make out.

Topdrop’s meaning of the word “straight is one I have no come across yet. I don’t mean to impinge upon his identity of himself, but his just seems wrong. It looks like it’s based on a wrong definition of the word “straight”. Does this mean that I could legitimately refer to him as something other than straight when talking to other people, assuming they have the same understanding of “straight”? Do I have to adopt his definition when talking to him? Am I completely off base here?

I must continue discussing this with him, because this type of mindset is just so utterly fascinating and new to me. Truth be told, his is a lovely mind to converse with about most anything. But this specifically, since it’s so very fascinating to me.

More on this after I talk to him again.

Posted in gender, kink, labels, language, sexuality | 4 Comments »

I dub thee…

Posted by Týr on September 4, 2007

So at Floating World 10 days (or so) ago, I decided to take part in the Labels Panel, partly because my good friend Eileen was moderating the panel, but mostly because I am actually interested in language and how it’s used. I would have to say my greatest intellectual interest in this is what names and pronouns to use for my transgender friends when referring to their pre-transition times. But I digress…

One of the things that struck me about how vehemently this one trans-man (I forget his name) opposed labels for being too confining. Now I never really had any gender identity issues that I’ve had to deal with. Likewise, being heterosexual spared me from any teasing/abuse I may have received (though frankly I doubt it would have happened at my school). Still, whenever I feel like I have to describe myself for whatever reason, such as my Tale of Týr page, I too find labels horribly retarded. How do you distill who you are, whether in a couple of words or in a treatise? I find this incredibly annoying and difficult, and I have no problem describing myself as a heterosexual male. Not ever having had to use it myself, I feel like the term “gender-queer” is more a definition by exclusion than an actual definition. I seriously couldn’t imagine having define myself by playing Botticelli let alone envisioning how to deal with a problem like choosing which bathroom feels more comfortable. (Personally, I believe that bathrooms in places where one doesn’t assume that men just spray everywhere (which seems to be any public bathroom, such as concerts, stadia, etc) should be unisex, but that isn’t really relevant to this entry). But I digress… so now I move on.

Sure, labels suck. I know that I would leave out a Metric Fuckton if I tried to use 5 words to describe myself: heterosexual, toppish-switch, engineer, German, metal-head. I just thought of something purely for the sake of my own curiosity: while I could indeed easily list another 15 words to describe me, I was wondering which five words you, beautiful reader, would use to describe me. Please don’t use any of the words I used. Whether you want to bar words that other people have used is up to you.

So, if labels are acknowledged by all to suck, why do we continue to confine ourselves to the narrow definitions that all labels have? The simple reason is that otherwise no communication would happen. All communication inherently contains some uncertainty, thanks to different nuances in precise definition and, to use Maymay’s terminology, the fact that speech has no checksum. Labels simply have the same drawbacks inherent to speech itself. Yes, it’s a shame that when using labels you feel like you need a seemingly endless array of them if you want to get remotely close to actually defining yourself.

The thing is, if we simply chose not to, we’d just be staring at each other nicely talking about the weather. And that shit happens way too much already.

Posted in floating world, gender, labels, language | 7 Comments »