Everyone needs a love tap now and then

…and it may just be good for what ails you.

Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

This bicycle is also a detour…

Posted by Týr on May 21, 2009

Two weeks ago I was thoroughly in dom-mode and Maja complimented that very nicely. She was more than happy to be at my beck and call and we had delightfully rough sex every night. Then, over the weekend, I caught a massive cold which knocked me out of commission for last week. Thus, my period of dominance took a break as I got better and ready to take control of Maja once again.

Then, one night, I was woken up shortly after going to sleep by Maja teasing me. “What made you react this way?” I had no idea what she was talking about. After all, I had woken up to someone working very hard (I assume) to get me very worked up. Still, I was dropping like a brick, and all I wanted was for her to continue. “How long should we keep this going, huh? How long do you want to go without orgasm?” I wasn’t nearly awake enough to appreciate or fully enjoy the predicament I suddenly found myself in. I hadn’t even properly understood the first question yet. Still, I mumbled something along the lines of “However long you want. I don’t want to know.” I know, all fairly standard T&D male lines – nothing special here.

The thing is, she decided to start this T&D time just before the week when I decided I would be biking to (and from) work everyday. Now, Manhattan is mostly fairly flat terrain, so most biking not very grueling. However, we live in the (relatively) higher elevations of Manhattan, so that means that between me and home is a very big and steep hill. Getting up this hill and back home is totally doable, but here’s the thing: after conquering this hill I feel like I just want to throw Maja down on our bed and have my way with her. I want to say that I’ve mentioned this to her in the past, when we were living further uptown and there was an even bigger hill in the way of home, but for whatever reason we never actually acted on this. Perhaps this is because shortly thereafter I would say “wow, I’m hungry. and in desperate need of a shower!”

But now, I get home and I am just full of adrenaline from biking up that hill and then having to weave through NYC traffic for about half a mile and I must somehow transform this initial desire to dominate (or at least very much top)  Maja into something that is much more submissive. And somehow I’ve managed to do it, for the most part, but I don’t know how, exactly. A few days ago Maja came home shortly after I finished my post-ride shower and I was still so pumped up that she didn’t know what to do with me.

I wish I could more easily exchange this dominant streak for something that is more useful to the dynamic we have right now. The only thing I can think of is to have more practice with this. Eventually I’ll stumble onto it. Or at least that’s what I’m hoping for.

Posted in emotions, kink, orgasm control, orientation, relationships, sexuality, switching | 3 Comments »

A glimpse into the future, hopefully

Posted by Týr on April 28, 2009

I get all warm and fuzzy inside every time I take my bike down the Greenway, right by the benches on the Hudson River in Riverside Park. Each time I go past them I am reminded of this one time a year or two ago when I saw a couple, both of them silver/white-haired, taking up a bench. The man was lying down with his head in her lap, and they both seemed just completely at ease taking up a bench like that. As if I just missed a few tender caresses, some loving laughter, and they stayed until just before I headed back up north hours later.

And even though I caught only a fleeting glimpse of them as I was flying by, the image is indelible in my head: I want that when I grow up!

When my hair is grey, I still want to do that. To just lie down, put my head in Maja’s lap, and just forget my troubles.

(Now, who knows what their relationship actually was? They might now be each other’s 4th spouse. Of course, that thought didn’t cross my mind until I was writing this post, and even now I want to push the thought out of my head because I don’t want this image destroyed by cynicism. And it probably has taken on an even more romantic tone as it has replayed itself in my mind. Then again, he might’ve been having back pain…)

So that’s what I want when I go gray. Whether I do that here in NYC, or on some farm, or on the moon, whether current goals, such as having children, are met or not, whether kink is still part of my life, I want to be part of the couple I saw that day. So if you’re looking for me on a superb Saturday afternoon in 2040, try a bench. You’ll find me in Maja’s lap.

Posted in emotions, intimacy, relationships | 6 Comments »

tears of joy?

Posted by Týr on January 9, 2009

Shortly after waking up a few days ago, I asked Maja to hurt me. I don’t know why, but I had been craving to be punched for a few days. Luckily, she decided to punch me. I don’t really know how I went from enjoying punching to enjoying being punched, but I have taken quite the liking to the occasional beat-down. I suppose I could explore this, but not now.

I don’t quite remember what inspired both of us to play heavier than we usually do, but we did. Maja pushed my limits, and I responded by asking for more. When she hit me even harder, I asked for more still. Blow after blow landed, always on flesh that was already bruised. At times I moved my hands over chest to give myself a small reprieve. “Move those hands out of my way!” And each time I’d move my hands and grab a hold of our headboard so I could last a few more blows before I gave myself refuge again. And each time I looked forward to more beating. And each time I was dreading the pain. This is how it continued for some time: blow by blow, more and more pain, me covering myself, her ordering my hands away, me gladly, reluctantly, gladly complying, impact upon impact, until finally I said “yellow*.”

Maja gently tumbled next to me onto the bed and gathered me into her arms, while I gathered myself a tiny bit, getting my breathing a bit regular again, enjoying the dull ache on its own, without any other impacts, feeling my chest be sore when I inhaled, letting that feeling become a more regular, noticed feature of living. After about a minute, Maja looked up at me and asked me if I could go on. I nodded as eagerly as someone so conflicted only can. As she climbed back up, straddling me, I looked up at her and asked her to make me cry. A wicked gleam shot through her eye. She asked me “Are you sure you want this? Because I won’t let up until you safeword or you’re crying. No backing out.” Realizing that she was serious, I gulped and smiled. “Yes, I’m sure.” I wanted her to have my tears, which she’s wanted from me for so long.

So I moved my hands back to headboard, grabbing hold so I could once again put off protecting myself. She began by punching my chest again. This really hurt, and while I cringed and winced like never before, I wasn’t getting close to tears. Maja noticed this, and decide to switch tactics. The sides of my rib cages exploded in pain as her hands came down hard and fast, slapping my sides again and again. My tears were almost there, but that alone couldn’t quite get them out, no matter how hard she slapped them, no matter how often she slapped me again and again. Finally, she decides that she is going to dig her fingers into my newly tenderized sides. Each finger, distinctly, yet in one giant clump, try to burrow through my ribs, nail-first. This is too much, and I start bawling. Having gotten what she wants, Maja redoubles her efforts, trying new spots to dig in, pressing harder. I sob, having trouble getting myself together enough to say “red**”, my senses informing me only of the attack on my rib cage and, like some forgotten attention-hungry kid, the recent pummelling of my chest. Finally, I gather my wits enough to blurt out “red” before rolling over into the fetal position, big huge sobs erupting between my tears.

My first instinct is to curl up in a ball, inside myself, try to get distance, find a safe place. But I realize that I had asked her for this. From her. If I hadn’t mentioned it, the thought of making me cry would never have crossed her mind (well, at least at the time). So I realize that I have to give myself to her so that I can be put back together. After 20 seconds of sobbing I force myself to turn around again and find the nearest crook of Maja’s neck to just live there, in her arms for a bit. The arms that love me. The arms that beat me. Because they love me. But fuck, they made me cry!

My breathing calms down as Maja comforts me in words that register as speaking, but they have no meaning. The words wash over me, but I only register the soft, affectionate tones of voice. She takes her hand, gently lifts up on my chin, and kisses me. I feel like I threw my arms around her right then, because that seems like the kind of thing I’d do, but I honestly have no idea.

 The morning didn’t end there, though the inflicting of pain did. Throughout the rest of the day, and every now and then for the past few days, I’ve been conflicted about that scene. Actually, about the crying part only. The rest of it was really hot. The punching, the stern tone when I’d cover myself, forcing my arms to stay out, making me vulnerable, all that I’d want to do right now if I could. But something about the crying bothers me. I am normally fairly controlled in my emotions, and I suppose that letting myself be forced to cry (which is really what that was) just isn’t my thing. I don’t know why this is, really; I just like keeping my composure. Sobbing, to me, is most definitely not that. But I’ll gladly take everything else, before and after the crying.

And because Maja is the one who made me cry, I’ve been resenting her a tiny bit, even though that is retarded. I mean I did ask for it. I knew it would make her happy, because omg has she talked about wanting me to cry. Still, if I could have the rest of that scene but not the tears, I would be much happier. See, looking back on this scene I quite enjoyed it, even the crying. However, the crying bothered me, both then and now. Do I want to try it out again? Be made to bawl again? Maybe. I’m not averse to it, even though I really didn’t like it. I know that Maja did though.

But is that enough to make up for it? How much should I be willing to do something I don’t enjoy for her sake? And I don’t mean “not enjoy” the way some enjoy being single-tailed. I mean legitimately not enjoy. Didn’t like it. Yet I’d do it again.

Why is that? Am I looking to make Maja happy? Am I looking to lose that control in a controlled environment? Is this my body’s way of telling me I have too much sodium in my diet? That’s really the part that’s confusing me right now: why do I want to do this again when every part of me is telling me to recoil and run away. Do I want to do this again? I feel like each half of my mind is controlled by opposing forces. I’ll probably go down this path one more time, slipping and sliding on my tears as I go.

So go ahead, make me cry, but don’t you dare touch me.

 

* “yellow” = don’t end the scene entirely, but stop hitting me for now

** “red” = the scene is entirely done. no more.

Posted in crying, emotions, fear, intimacy, kink, pain, punching, relationships, sexuality | 6 Comments »

A sadist like me can pursue his vocation

Posted by Týr on June 11, 2008

So at Topdrop’s play party on Friday, Adam and I double-topped Maja with wonderful effects. We placed her in between us and began flogging her from both sides. It was one of those situations that she very clearly loved/hated/loved/hated/loved, which is what many of us, indeed Adam and I, aim for when we play. All that Maja knew before the scene was that both of us were going to top her, so when we decided to start our scene, I just placed her in between us, facing me, and the two of us just started draping our floggers over her, just letting the soft leather caress her shoulders, breasts and back. Once we actually got to flogging her, I saw that fantastic mix of delight and fear. I think this was the first time that Maja had any sort of non-hand impact where she could actually see the blows coming. Hits kept raining down, some just grazing the nipple, some having all the falls across her chest. After some time, Adam pulled out his Dragon’s Tongue and started hitting Maja’s back while I embraced her, slightly more as a means to keep her from squirming away then from pure affection. I turned her around and held her arms in a full Nelson so that Adam could use the Dragon’s Tongue on Maja’s breasts, leaving some really beautiful marks. I must say that Adam’s aim really is impeccable. I also think that I want a Dragon’s Tongue for myself. 

You should have seen Maja’s face. She. Was. Beaming. It’s been a while since a scene had made her that happy, so we owe a small debt to Adam. Thank you, Adam. That scene really was the highlight for both of us that night. We each went off to hang out with friends, our paths crossing every so often, usually with hugs. All in all a good night was had before we managed our way home and crashed in bed.

The next morning I was pleasantly surprised when Maja asked me to hurt her breasts. Usually she needs a couple days for the tenderness of post-play to subside, but she seemed to be so keyed up from the previous night that she wanted more. So I was only too happy to oblige. There are worse ways to spend a morning…

Posted in Blogroll, emotions, fear, kink, objectification, relationships | 1 Comment »

If one cut the source of the flow and everything would change

Posted by Týr on March 11, 2008

For about 18-24 months of our relationship, I was topping Maja, without too much switching during this time. There were a number of reasons this was happening, some I might be able to list, none of which are important to this entry. Still, both of us identified as switches, even though she hadn’t topped me in at least a year and a half.

I had spent such a long time only topping that I started to wonder whether the term ‘switch’ still applied to me. After all, I didn’t really long for bottoming. I spent a good deal of time on an internal debate saying “Are you a top or a switch? Because switches will, at times, you know, switch. You don’t really want to do that, do you? Just admit it, you’re a top, not a switch!” to myself, to which the common reply was “But I do want to bottom again eventually, just not now. Or in the near future. Give it some time. I’m not a top. (yet?)” So this was my internal non-schizoid dialogue for a number of weeks.

This discussion was put on hold when I went to Tanzania in late November. After all, I had no need for such thoughts when HOLY CRAP A LION! However, at the end of my 2.5 week trip, when I had a hotel room to myself for a day, my thoughts did return to Maja. Specifically, I was discharging a 2 week build-up while imagining various stock fantasies of mine that involved me definitely being the bottom. Not too unusual for me, and these thoughts are probably what kept me from changing my self-identity from “switch” to top”.

When I returned in December, Maja mentioned to me that she had become a little less automatically-bottom-y during the 18 days that I was gone. This wasn’t quite what I was expecting, but I can’t say that I was surprised. She had said something similar when I had gone to Germany for a wedding during the summer. That time, however, we soon slipped back into our old, prior roles since I was only gone for a week. We spent some time in an awkward limbo, with, I realize now, me waiting for us to revert back to the roles of old. This didn’t happen. However, seeing this more confident, take-charge Maja did slowly get me to actually want to bottom, at which point one voice in my head went “HAHA! I WIN!”

Then, in January, at the Rhode Island Fetish Flea, Maja would top me while we were lying in bed just before and after sleep. Nothing too intense, but a nice change that I did enjoy. There were a few snafus though, since, after all, Maja was rusty. I mean, wouldn’t you be after all that time? Still, I enjoyed it a lot, and it led to us to play around with it some more over the next month or so. Mostly she would dig her nails into my back, scratch me a lot, slap me; fairly light stuff.  But somehow something was still missing.

(That is what my next post shall be about.)

Posted in emotions, humiliation, kink, orientation, relationships, sexuality, switching | 1 Comment »