A sadist like me can pursue his vocation

So at Topdrop’s play party on Friday, Adam and I double-topped Maja with wonderful effects. We placed her in between us and began flogging her from both sides. It was one of those situations that she very clearly loved/hated/loved/hated/loved, which is what many of us, indeed Adam and I, aim for when we play. All that Maja knew before the scene was that both of us were going to top her, so when we decided to start our scene, I just placed her in between us, facing me, and the two of us just started draping our floggers over her, just letting the soft leather caress her shoulders, breasts and back. Once we actually got to flogging her, I saw that fantastic mix of delight and fear. I think this was the first time that Maja had any sort of non-hand impact where she could actually see the blows coming. Hits kept raining down, some just grazing the nipple, some having all the falls across her chest. After some time, Adam pulled out his Dragon’s Tongue and started hitting Maja’s back while I embraced her, slightly more as a means to keep her from squirming away then from pure affection. I turned her around and held her arms in a full Nelson so that Adam could use the Dragon’s Tongue on Maja’s breasts, leaving some really beautiful marks. I must say that Adam’s aim really is impeccable. I also think that I want a Dragon’s Tongue for myself. 

You should have seen Maja’s face. She. Was. Beaming. It’s been a while since a scene had made her that happy, so we owe a small debt to Adam. Thank you, Adam. That scene really was the highlight for both of us that night. We each went off to hang out with friends, our paths crossing every so often, usually with hugs. All in all a good night was had before we managed our way home and crashed in bed.

The next morning I was pleasantly surprised when Maja asked me to hurt her breasts. Usually she needs a couple days for the tenderness of post-play to subside, but she seemed to be so keyed up from the previous night that she wanted more. So I was only too happy to oblige. There are worse ways to spend a morning…

Radiance blinding as it gives and now takes

(continued from previous post)

What was missing was really simply an intensity, a deeper intent in the scenes than simply haivng fingertips digging into your back. It was nice to feel vulnerable for a change, but that wasn’t enough for me. I re-discovered something that made me figure out what could provide that which I was missing.

While going through my computer, I discovered that I had downloaded but not yet listened to editions 6 & 7 of Kink On Tap. I decided that that had to be rectified, and so the next time I had 2 hours to spare, I listened to both of them, back to back. And somehow, that struct a chord. Both of the podcasts are about T&D, which I would describe as my core kink when I bottom, but had somehow fallen out of my favor for some reason. For whatever reason listening to the two podcasts rekindled my interest in T&D, so I soon asked Maja not to let me orgasm for a while, but if she really wanted to, then I would have no objections to this.

And, holy crap, I took to that like a fish to water.  As did Maja. She was definitely enjoying teasing me, having me wrapped around her finger like that. There was one point, after a week of being denied (my longest stretch up to then - I know, some claim that’s nothing) where I was lying down with my head in her lap, talking to her as she lightly teased me, and I said to her “I kind of want you to not let me come this week. - But I also want you to ignore everything I say and let me have an orgasm real soon.” I somehow also managed to actually enjoy the pain of blue balls, which surprised me.

Still, luckily/sadly that bit of denial came to a mind-shattering end after two weeks, and as happens to many people, I somehow didn’t quite want to start right up again with the a full-blown scene. And then, a few days later, just when I was ready to let Maja decide again whether I get to enjoy an orgasm or not, life sadly intervened and Maja was taken out of commission when it comes to kink for two weeks.

If one cut the source of the flow and everything would change

For about 18-24 months of our relationship, I was topping Maja, without too much switching during this time. There were a number of reasons this was happening, some I might be able to list, none of which are important to this entry. Still, both of us identified as switches, even though she hadn’t topped me in at least a year and a half.

I had spent such a long time only topping that I started to wonder whether the term ’switch’ still applied to me. After all, I didn’t really long for bottoming. I spent a good deal of time on an internal debate saying “Are you a top or a switch? Because switches will, at times, you know, switch. You don’t really want to do that, do you? Just admit it, you’re a top, not a switch!” to myself, to which the common reply was “But I do want to bottom again eventually, just not now. Or in the near future. Give it some time. I’m not a top. (yet?)” So this was my internal non-schizoid dialogue for a number of weeks.

This discussion was put on hold when I went to Tanzania in late November. After all, I had no need for such thoughts when HOLY CRAP A LION! However, at the end of my 2.5 week trip, when I had a hotel room to myself for a day, my thoughts did return to Maja. Specifically, I was discharging a 2 week build-up while imagining various stock fantasies of mine that involved me definitely being the bottom. Not too unusual for me, and these thoughts are probably what kept me from changing my self-identity from “switch” to top”.

When I returned in December, Maja mentioned to me that she had become a little less automatically-bottom-y during the 18 days that I was gone. This wasn’t quite what I was expecting, but I can’t say that I was surprised. She had said something similar when I had gone to Germany for a wedding during the summer. That time, however, we soon slipped back into our old, prior roles since I was only gone for a week. We spent some time in an awkward limbo, with, I realize now, me waiting for us to revert back to the roles of old. This didn’t happen. However, seeing this more confident, take-charge Maja did slowly get me to actually want to bottom, at which point one voice in my head went “HAHA! I WIN!”

Then, in January, at the Rhode Island Fetish Flea, Maja would top me while we were lying in bed just before and after sleep. Nothing too intense, but a nice change that I did enjoy. There were a few snafus though, since, after all, Maja was rusty. I mean, wouldn’t you be after all that time? Still, I enjoyed it a lot, and it led to us to play around with it some more over the next month or so. Mostly she would dig her nails into my back, scratch me a lot, slap me; fairly light stuff.  But somehow something was still missing.

(That is what my next post shall be about.)

I summoned a demon and took it to bed

This past weekend at Topdrop’s play party I ended up beating The Scot nicely. We had agreed two weeks ago that this would happen after getting the ok from our respective significant others (neither couple would come close to describing themselves as polyamourous). Then last week the four of us sat down after the CV meeting and asked what each of us would be comfortable, what parts of her body I should avoid hitting, etc.

When we actually got to starting the scene at the party, I started it off by grabbing her neck and pushing her against the wall, just to get the scene off with a clear “I’m in charge” moment. I was then somewhat confused when she pushed my hand away. So I asked her “Is my hand on your neck not ok? I just realized that we didn’t actually negotiate that.” She assured me that it was ok, that she was simply a bottom that resists and makes my job that much harder and more enjoyable.

But afterwards, like now, I was wondering why I asked about one common potential minefield (face slapping) but left out another (putting my hand on her neck). What is more noteworthy is just how much this has become part of my playing repetoire without me really knowing it. It’s not that I am a big proponent of breath-play. I just really like putting my hand around the bottom’s (most often Maja’s) neck as a sign of dominance & control of the scene.

And by the same thinking, over the past few months, I realize I’ve grown to enjoy playing with fear. Well, not fear, but that look in the bottom’s eyes of “Holy crap, what did I get myself into?!?” is rather priceless, even if the bottom knows (or at least should) that nothing too painful/bad/injurious/etc is going to happen. And I find that a hand on the neck is an excellent way to achieve that. Since, I could, in theory, start choking, start some (surprise) breathplay… I most likely wouldn’t. But I could.

Perhaps fear isn’t the right word. No, it’s definitely not. I can’t think of the word that fits what I’m thinking of. Let’s try this: mix one shot of control, one shot of determination, two shots of general emotional intensity (the non-stomach-lining-hating kink equivalent of MSG), and a splash of fear-inducement, and you kinda have what I’m going for. (Still confused? Ask in a comment)

I don’t actually try to get my bottoms to be afraid of me (although I’m not opposed), I just really like to be the one in control when I’m topping, that emotional intensity. And frankly, what better way to set such a mood for a scene than to push someone up against the wall by their neck?

Hell, it might just take their breath away.

…and now for something completely different…

Enough with the entries that consist solely of me linking to something else: In recent weeks I’ve started bottomming to Maja again. I don’t really know when the last time that I bottommed to her previously was, but I would put it in the area of 12 months. It was actually getting to the point where I debated with myself whether I was still a switch. After all, as my relationship with Maja has progressed, I’ve taken a more dominant role in my or her bedroom.

Then, suddenly, a couple weeks ago I noticed I wanted to be hurt. ‘Where did this come from?’ I asked myself. ‘This doesn’t match what you’ve been thinking of yourself as lately.’ But the feeling and desire to be hurt stayed. I’m still not sure where it came from, but I just chalk that one up to the interesting course that life takes in all of us.

And so for the past two or three weekends, Maja has been more than happy to oblige, though at first she was somewhat surprised by witnessing me asking her to hurt me. Hell, I was confused (see above). However, it all made sense after yesterday morning. At some point in time, Maja pulls me over into a lovely hug, at which point I start to come to.

Aside: Why does it take me longer to join the world of the living when I am woken up by a beautiful lady with amorous intentions than any other method. Seriously, doesn’t that seem a little off?

Eventually, after she climbs on top of me, I realize that she is in a state in which I have rarely seen her: In control of the scene. Not acting like she is in control, but actually in the driver’s seat. This morning is hers, and I am (along for) the ride.

Again, I ask her ”hurt me”, so she digs her fingers into my rib cage. “Hurt me.” She slaps me in the face. “Hurt me.” She pulls my hair.

What I realized that morning is that when I bottom, I don’t actually drop into sub-space, not even close. When I first realized my like for BDSM, I thought that the masochist in a scene must also by definition be the submissive partner. Clearly this is not the case, but it does explain why Maja’s and mine early scenes with her on top didn’t go the according to plan - I just simply didn’t like giving up control. So that just means that I didn’t. ‘But Týr, didn’t you just say that she was in control just 8 or so lines above?’ Well, yes, but that does not imply that I was accepting a lesser stature in the scene. For example, if I had kept my mouth shut, I probably wouldn’t have been hurt as much. We were still equals, she was simply guiding the course of the scene more than I was.

All I added was “Hurt me.”